When Fear Becomes Real

Fear is a word that never really made sense to me when I tried to think about it. I often say that it is irrational, almost unreal, like a shadow that disappears when you look directly at it. I have had very few little fears throughout my short-lived life, fear of heights, insects, and darkness... Yet somehow I’ve always been able to push it away, and as long as I could rationalize it, I didn't fear it -until now.

I turned 22 last month, and surprisingly I used the phrase "I am scared" during this time more than I have in my entire life. At first, I didn't notice it. Or maybe I ignored it. Made excuses. Then one day, I confessed to a friend that I was scared of attending a university event alone. Me! Scared of going to a social event! Alone! These were words that I never thought -yet again- would come out of my mouth, have.

Then it hit me, I was becoming the very thing I dreaded the most, someone consumed by fear itself. The only fear I couldn't rationalize.

It goes against everything I believe about life. I want to live fearlessly. Alone. With others. I want to see the beauty nature has to offer, to hear the stories people have to tell, and to listen to music that touches my soul. I want to love. I want to push my limits. I want to be free.

I believe that young Yasmine would appreciate seeing her future self not neglecting her desires and dreams, undermining her vision, or choosing to remain fearful today.

The last few months have been such a roller-coaster of events and emotions. Things I took for granted, I didn't get. People I considered family, aren't part of my life anymore. The city I called my second home, I am leaving it for a while. One can say it is a new chapter being written. Then again, I was never one to be scared of new beginnings.

Funny, how I used to think I could conquer fear by rationalizing it. I could stand at the edge of a cliff and remind myself I wouldn’t fall. I could flick a light switch and banish the dark. But this fear? it's different—it lives in me now, and no amount of logic could make it disappear.

I remember how young Yasmine dreamed without hesitation. Now, I second-guess everything.

I talk a lot about my younger self and how she envisioned me. It sometimes feels that I didn't live up to her expectations. Maybe my fear stems from the possibility that I won't. But, I changed. My desires have changed too. Most importantly, I have come to the realization that to make your dreams come true, you need to go above and beyond to achieve them.

The pursuit of dreams and desires is scary. I know that now. I feel more fragile -putting many things on the line- but also more aware. There’s strength in that, I think—strength in understanding your own vulnerability. But even with all this fear, there’s something inside me that refuses to give up.

So maybe, the question isn’t how to overcome fear, but how to live with it. Can fear and freedom coexist? I don’t know yet—but I think I’m ready to find out.